My dad passed away shortly after I turned nine in Puerto Rico; my mom carried on without him. The four of us, my mom, my two sisters, and myself would move to Florida less than a year after that. My mom barely knew any Spanish and didn’t know any English. We moved to the United States with no family here and a handful of friends. We were poor. My mom worked two jobs, and all us kids worked by early teen hood. All us kids attended college. My mom never remarried in the twenty-nine years after my father’s death.
With all those obstacles and uncertainties, she hardly ever voiced a complaint. She simply persisted, each day, one foot in front of the other. I never reflected upon all the adversity that she faced until years later into my adulthood. Dr. Brené Brown asserts that vulnerability our most accurate way to measure courage. This makes my mom, a Chinese woman in a tiny frame, easily one of the most courageous people I know. Sadly, she passed away many years ago, though thankfully it was after I realized how the amazing woman that she was.
Courage (or cowardice) is androgynous
Understanding that my mom was exceptionally brave, do we wonder if was she simply a statistical anomaly? That’s absurd. Though I believe that my mom was exceptional, there are many instances of women who are incredibly brave. Conversely, there are plenty of examples of men who demonstrate cowardice. Bravery or cowardice is not correlated to gender any more than hair color or blood type.
Though even if there are the occasionally counterexamples, is this statistically true? The US population is 12.6% Black as of 2020; this is basically 1/8 Black. Just because we’ve had one Black president in Barak Obama, doesn’t mean that we’re not generally racially biased. By statistical probability we should’ve had 5 or 6 Black presidents by now, and 23 women presidents. Our presidents have been disproportionately Caucasian men, one counterexample doesn’t undo that.
Hence, you could argue that professions that exemplify bravery are disproportionately held by men. For instance, are military, police, and firefighting positions held predominantly by men? Even if that were statistically true, it doesn’t necessarily imply that bravery is predominantly a male trait. There have been many instances of gender bias in each of these professions. Moreover, each of these professions require certain physical traits which are disproportionately male. However, as my mom demonstrates, physical strength is uncorrelated to bravery.
Are we biasing our children?
It’s the classic debate of ‘nature versus nurture’. If we observe a difference in bravery between males and females, is it biological? It’s not quite cut and dry that ‘correlation is causation’. There have been many studies that demonstrate that we teach our children racial bias, and that is generally shunned. When it comes to courage, is gender bias an accepted, though inaccurate, truism? Or even worse, do we intentionally bias our children and set unnatural expectations upon them?
How old were you when you first heard the expression, “Boys don’t cry”? Why don’t they cry? Do you allow your daughters to emote distress or sadness? What about your sons? What behaviors would you label as ‘unladylike’ and why? You can rationalize that it is harmless. You were brought up that way, and you are generally fine. However, there are different degrees of ‘fine’; we can do better. Do we think that women are twice more likely to suffer from mental health struggles than men? …because they’re nearly twice as likely to seek mental health treatment (24.7% vs. 13.4%). Have we conditioned half our population to avoid seeking for help (ask directions, go to doctor, for instance)? Interestingly enough, the vast majority of mass shooters with ‘mental health issues’ are men; were they shamed about seeking help?
Gender bias is pervasive in language
Though even if you are careful about sheltering your children from this bias, they’ll eventually be exposed by merely speaking English. It’s inevitable. The idea that bravery is inextricably associated with men and cowardice with women has been baked into the language. Tragically, the only means for your children to avoid inheriting this bias today is for someone to explicitly teach them that this exists and is nonsense. You may think this is excessive.
Are you skeptical? Let’s examine the following two sentences (forgive the language):
- “I can’t believe that Pat had the balls to do that.”
- “Pat can be such a pussy.”
We literally refer to parts of the male and female anatomy synonymously with bravery and cowardice. Can you look at your daughter, wife, or mother in the eye and tell her that you’re okay with her lady parts being the same as “cowardice”? Or can we aspire to do better? Let’s expunge the expressions that correlate bravery or cowardice with gender.
What crosses the threshold of ‘political correctness’?
Gender bias is easy to see. By definition, we will all land on one side of that fence. People personally either subjected you to unreasonably high standards of bravery or reprimanded you for too much assertiveness. Similarly, you have seen it in others. The solution is simple, let’s curb those references in language:
- “… has the balls to do X.”
- “… is such a pussy.”
- “Be a man.”
- “Boys don’t cry.”
- “Put on your big boy pants.’
- “Throw like a girl”. Tell that to Jennie Finch.
This is where it gets surreal. We can demonstrate that this language and references damage our children. It sets unreasonable standards and erodes their self-esteem. The reasonable conclusion is to extricate these references from our language. We can do it slowly over time, but we should start somewhere. Some now will balk at this idea strictly on the premise that it’s about political correctness. They will assert that it’s a means for others to control what they may say with the thinly veiled excuse that they’re offended. Quantify the damage that needs to occur before it crosses the threshold of political correctness. Is the Uvalde shooter (nicknamed ‘School Shooter’) failing to get mental health treatment because it’s not ‘manly’ qualify?
Can we assess others’ suffering?
The new derogatory term for inclusivity is ‘woke’. I agree that some stipulations are excessive. No, referring to a person as ‘Oriental’ is not okay. Some will stipulate that the word in general should be stricken, but if you call something an Oriental rug, I don’t personally care. However, I’ll ask you to internalize this idea… Unless you’ve gone through the same experience yourself, you are incapable of assessing that trauma.
One of the most common forms of micro-aggressions is to respond with, “You’re overreacting.” I’ve been spat on, and even with gum in my hair. Unless you have personally experienced someone purposefully expectorating their bodily fluids on you, you simply do not understand. Imagine how truly humiliating it is to feel their spit running down your face. You can’t spit on the sidewalk, yet someone considers you less than the ground they walk on, because you’re Chinese. Unless you’ve tried to extricate gum from a tangled clump of your hair, you do not know what that is like. Stop telling me that I’m overreacting; it’s insulting.
When we ask you to stop using the term ‘China virus’ or ‘Wuhan Flu’, it’s not about exerting control over what you say. It’s because it’s been heavily correlated with targeted hate crime. Asian Hate Crimes have risen up to 400% since the start of the pandemic on some cities. It’s because we don’t want to be struck with a rock-in-a-sock, knifed coming out of our apartment, or struck in the head with a baseball bat. Furthermore, you understand that even if a location was once used to name diseases, we have learned better… that others’ safety is more important than your freedom to use that expression.
Start with empathy
If some requests are legit (stop referring to people as ‘Orientals’) and others are excessive (stop calling rugs Oriental), how do you tell them apart? You express a natural curiosity and empathy. You ask.
Have a conversation with someone you trust. That trust means that you assume that they wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important. Conduct yourself with humility, “I understand that this is important, but I don’t understand why it is important yet“. You learn the best you can about their experience and perspective with an open mind and heart. You listen with empathy because that’s what decency requires.
If you feel that this is too much work and it’s too exhausting to keep up with why a term or practice has fallen out of favor, that’s fine. Just follow the standard
Impact > Intent
In my personal journey, I was introduced to that simple expression. Simply put “how you affected others” is more important than “how you meant it”. When I was young at Epcot Center, I used the term ‘cripple’ to refer to a child in a wheelchair within earshot; I was unaware that it was a derogatory term. The harm I caused them overshadowed my ignorance.
If you’re genuinely starting this journey, also extricate the expressions ‘politically correct’ and ‘woke’ from your vocabulary.